Posts Tagged ‘baby daughter’

Reboot: June 3, 2012

In The Program on June 3, 2012 at 6:48 am

Well, ever since mothers day I feel like I have not been following my plan whatsoever and surprise, surprise, I am up about four pounds at 201 lbs at my monthly weigh-in.  Boo!  My experiment with mindful eating while away didn’t go horribly.  Some days I was great at having reasonable portion sizes, but other days I indulged (especially days I was mentally and emotionally drained: stress eating for sure).

For a week and a half I was visiting my mother who truly is an excellent cook (she is the kind who makes lavender cake from scratch and her idea of a basic salad involves stinky cheese and carmelized something or other).  She is a true gourmet foodie and I can’t get enough of her cooking.  Some days I had dessert for lunch and for dinner!

It is funny how quickly the weight shows up.  I can feel the difference in my thighs and see the difference in my face.  Ugh.

So now what?

It feels like for most of my conscious life I have been thinking “I’ll start tomorrow” on weight loss.  I would be on a plan for a few days and then fall off and say “I’ll start tomorrow” or “I’ll start Monday” or “I’ll start after ____”.  It started very young with me.  I so don’t want this to be the cycle I model for my daughter.  I hope by rebooting my Program and this blog that I will get back on track to finding a long term solution to my negative relationship with food.

I hate being back here again, feeling defeated by yet another beginning, yet another weigh-in over 200lbs…  But, that is where I am and I have to dust off my bruised ego, put my head down and reboot.  I still have lost over 40lbs since my daughter was born and if you spread that out into months (although it was all in the first two months) that is 10lbs a month…  That fact actually makes me feel a lot better and I know that the more confident I am, the easier it will be to think clearly and sanely about my food intake.

Wish me luck as I reboot!


Monday Meanderings: April 16, 2012: My Personal “Crazy”

In Monday Meanderings on April 16, 2012 at 7:34 pm

Later today I am going to meet up with a friend who, like me, has been obsessed with weight, diet and body image most of her life.  A few weeks ago we confessed to each other how embarrassed and horrified we were that although we think of ourselves as two fairly smart, modern women, we cannot shake the mental storms of constantly being obsessed about how fat we are and what to do about it.

In life, it seems to me that the best way to fight those inner, closed-circuit, self-destructive thought patterns is to get them out in the open.  Once you talk about and laugh about your personal “crazy,” the power is taken out of it.  Then, once your thinking reverts back to that negative loop, it easier to identify it, laugh it off and tell yourself, yup, this is the kind of thinking I am prone to but no, I am not going to indulge in the “crazy” right now.  We agreed to meet up every so often to pinpoint all the “crazy” and hopefully make progress on it together.

I have rarely met any woman, in any part of the world, who does not have “fat” issues.  Some may spend an inordinate amount of their mental energies and daily routines in getting and staying thin.  Some may be involved in trying NOT to be caught up in cultural norms citing thin equals smart, good, healthy, better than, etc.  They may be rejecting the obsession with thinness that most modern cultures have, but they are still thinking about it, quite a bit.  No matter what a woman’s personal relationship to fatness and thinness is, I venture to guess it occupies a lot of their time and energy.

This week my friend and I decided to fess up to how many things we have not done in our lives because we felt we were too fat.  It is a pretty painful and SUPER embarrassing fact that from teenage years on, I believed that because I was not super thin that I could not participate in something.  Like, somehow I was just not worthy of a particular life experience because I had a few extra pounds on me.  I can think of many specific examples of this warped decision-making, especially as a teenager: who I felt comfortable talking to in high school, what parties and social events I attended, who I dated, what sports I did or did not play, what clothes I wore, what beach I went to and when, etc, etc.  I made actual decisions that dictated the quality of my life back then all based on the fact that I was anywhere from fifteen to thirty pounds overweight and I equated that with not being worth much. So sad.

Later in life, in my twenties and early thirties, I think the decision-making based on my size was less of a black and white “I won’t go here because I’m too fat thing” (although getting dressed to go out at night was always agonizing).  Unfortunately, the self-hate around not being thin became more of a subtle over-arching philosophy that I was always going to be “less than” everyone else.  Deep down I believed I was never going to be able to have everything I truly wanted in life because if I were fat and couldn’t figure out how to be thin, then I didn’t deserve happiness.  I became one of those “hide under the heap of everyone else” people which certainly is not the personality I had as a child before I was conscious of being larger than my peers.  The more hopeless I became, the more weight I gained.

Let me point out that this negative paradigm I was subscribing to wasn’t necessarily conscious.  It has taken the last few years filled with soul-searching (or reflection, or deep thought – whatever you want to call it) for me to be able to articulate all this, even to myself.

When I lost 100lbs about two years ago people began to treat me very differently, much more positively and like I was this awesome person because I had done the impossible.   Things like jobs fell into place where they hadn’t before.  I was now at a weight deemed healthy by the medical field and my self-esteem and outlook on my life did improve some.  But, initially, I still couldn’t shake that black pit feeling inside.  I had gained a healthier body but not the inner strength and self-confidence that is determined not by a lower number on a scale but by an inner knowing that I am worthy, that everyone has the right to pursue happiness, that my good deeds and intentions in the world are what make me valuable.

Over the last two years that inner self-confidence has grown from activities not at all related to weight loss – from deep analysis of my past, from working hard on my relationships, from spiritual practices and from experiencing what somehow I never believed I could experience: having my daughter.  Who knows why being fat made me think I was unworthy or somehow unable to take part in basic life cycle experiences like having a happy partnership and a child, but I know for me, embarrassingly so, it did.  Now, I feel called to explore and challenge these issues so that I can live the last two thirds (hopefully) of my life free of the self-hate and though it sounds cliche, it is extremely important to me to NOT PASS THESE ISSUES ON TO MY DAUGHTER.

I hope that by continuing to create The Program and as I lose the pregnancy weight I will be able to find that healthy relationship with food and with my own self that I have been working for these past few years.  I am glad to have this blog and my friend to help me do this!

What is your crazy thinking around fatness, thinness and weight loss?  I’d love to hear about it!

Thursday Outside Thoughts: April 11, 2012: Putting Life on Hold Until the Weight is Lost…

In Thursday: Outside Thoughts on April 12, 2012 at 3:12 am

I met a friend for lunch on Saturday and we started to talk about our long histories of dieting and body image issues.  It was interesting to see how ashamed we both are that we have lived so much of our lives under the weight (haha) of feeling less-than because we weren’t super slim.  We agreed to talk more openly together about our various issues because by the end of the conversation, although it was horrifying to realize how much mental space has been occupied by thoughts of weight loss, we both felt some relief about getting our “crazy” out into the open.

Today I texted this friend and suggested we write out lists of all the things we would have done or feel like we could have been if we hadn’t felt we couldn’t even try because we were overweight.  Again, super embarrassing to admit to this negative thinking, but super healthy to get all that negative, internalized thinking, OUT!

I found this blog post that articulates how I felt for most of my life (I did lose 100 lbs previously but only maintained the weight loss for nine months because I became pregnant and started gaining again.)  The article is very inspiring!  Check it out! http://www.leftoverstogo.com/2012/03/08/americans-have-a-wait-problem/

Thursday Thoughts: April 4, 2012: Arsenic in Rice

In Thursday: Outside Thoughts on April 5, 2012 at 6:48 am

When I lost over a hundred pounds two years ago I followed a very strict diet in which I weighed and measured all of my food and had a basic formula for lunch and dinner: 6oz cooked veggies, 4oz protein, 1 cup RICE.

I consumed a lot of rice!  Most of the time it was brown rice.

In our local newspaper there is an article that not just the organic brown rice syrup contains too much arsenic (I had read about that before), but so does the regular brown rice.

As I have been creating My Program here on the blog and in my daily life, brown rice has been central again.  In the article in our local newspaper, it said to only eat brown rice a few times a month….  UH OH!

I can’t find that particular article online but I did find the following articles you may be interested in reading:

Arsenic in Organic Brown Rice Syrup and Rice. How to Eat Rice Safely | Green Talk®.



Well, what am I going to do?  Here’s the thing: I HATE experimental cooking.  One of the reason I gained so much weight during the preganancy is because I hate to cook in general and when I was pregnant I was just too sick to cook so we ate a lot of pre-packaged foods or take-out.  Cooking is just not fun for me, it never has been.  But I know how important it is to weight loss so I am committed to doing it.  I just don’t like to have to “think” about it too much.

I don’t like trying new recipes.  I don’t like experimenting with new ingredients.  I like to cook the same dishes over and over again and enjoy new foods when other people cook them (I do LOVE new foods, I just don’t like trying to cook them myself.)

The article in the local paper recommended trying all sorts of new grains – buckwheath, amarinth, quinoa and wild rice.  I am going to begrudgingly have to do that I guess.  More time in the grocery store and in the kitchen that I dread but I don’t want the baby to get a lot of arsenic through my breast milk.  I’m just not happy about it.  From these articles it sounds like unsafe arsenic levels in foods have been a known issue for some time.  It makes me very nervous when I think about what little knowlege and minimal control I have over my own food supply.  I have to buy organic and locally grown as much as possible and hope for the best….

Have you heard or read anything about the dangers of eating brown rice?  If you have let me know what you think about it and what you are planning to do about it!

Thursday Thoughts: March 29, 2012: How Many Calories When Nursing?

In Thursday: Outside Thoughts on March 29, 2012 at 7:50 pm

I really have no idea if I am eating too much or too little.  I want to make sure I lose weight but I also want to make sure I consume enough calories so my body feels like it isn’t in starvation mode and can produce enough milk for my sweet baby girl.

According to the American Academy of Pediatrics a nursing Mom should consume 300-500 calories more a day.

HealthyChildren.org – Eating for Two: Your Diet And Breastfeeding.

I found this great tool online to find out how many calories I should be consuming per day (if I weren’t breast-feeding).


It has a calculator on there that asks you for your gender, your height, your current weight, and your desired weight.  It then gives you results detailing how many calories you need to eat to maintain your current weight, to lose a pound a week with exercise, to lose a pound a week without exercise, to gain a pound a week, etc, etc.  What a great tool!

I am focusing on this result: “If you reduce your current caloric intake to 1668.6 calories per day you will lose one pound per week without exercise.”

So, if I add the calories I should be eating to lose one pound a week to the additional calories I should be eating for breasting (I’ll use an average of 400 additional calories) then ballpark, I should be consuming approximately 2000 calories per day.

Am I?  I really have no idea.  So I decided to find out how much today’s menu’s caloric intake is:


Yogurt 130 with blueberries 84; oatmeal 102 with cinnamon


Sausage 240, bun 190, spinach 77, apple 95

Teatime (optional):

Oatmeal  300 with raisins 100 and milk 43


Meatballs 200, broccoli 60, rice 216, salad 34

Total for today: 1871

So, my menu is definitely within the weight loss range but also I am getting enough caloric intake for breast-feeding! Yay!

I also checked out a few other articles for safety on weight loss after pregnancy.  They are written by lactation consultants but it is hard to tell if they are based on science or are mostly anecdotal:




After reading these articles, it is super helpful to know that my current caloric intake is enough for my milk supply and that women in famine conditions can produce perfectly nutritious milk so I have not jeopardized my sweet baby.  BUT, I sure wish I had read these articles before.  It would have saved me a whole lot of fretting, especially since they say to wait until after the second month to diet in order to establish good milk supply… I had a lot of weird body issues and shame over how much weight I had gained.  I was really caught up in what people would think of me, especially at work!  What a waste of time and mental energy (not to mention negative energy) when I have a new babe at home.  I hope some other woman will read this one day and it will save her some of the agony I put myself through!!

Thanks for reading this and I wish you much luck on your own healthy journey!

Tuesday Tenets: The Program

In Tuesday Tenets on March 14, 2012 at 7:13 am

So, on Tuesdays I will discuss the Program.  I have a whole lot of ideas as to what my Program should entail, but I need to focus on the doing not the planning, so only one day a week will be for Program discussion.  Right now here are the main weight-loss Tenets:

*** Hierarchy of Priorities that lead to Weight Loss and  a fabulous life:

1.  Baby Daughter – she is 100% dependent on me right now and she must always come first.  If that means I skip a snack or miss a mealtime because she needs me I need to remember that she is the highest priority and to NOT beat-up myself that I can’t be a 100% perfect dieter.

2.  Sleep – it is well-documented that lack of sleep leads to the body holding onto fat and weight gain.  As the mother of a newborn sleep isn’t always easy to get.

3. Food – This means the pre-planning of meals, the purchasing of the food and finally the cooking and preparation of the food.

4. Everything Else

*** Wednesdays are Weekly Weigh-Ins: If I weigh myself on a daily basis I will drive myself nuts!  Wednesdays are not the traditional “I’ll start by diet on ____day” so I think that works for my Program (since it isn’t a diet!)  Plus, I’ve already been weighing on Wednesdays since the baby was born.  Note, it is important to record the amount lost for the week as well as the amount lost overall.

*** Planning and Recording the Day’s Food the Night Before:  This habit was part of the extreme program I did before and frankly, it really is genius.  If you know exactly what you are eating the next day it alleviates a lot of impulsive, I-am-so-hungry-I-will-eat-anything behavior.  And, it makes sure you know exactly what food you have in the house and whether or not you need to run to the store before you get overwhelmingly hungry.

*** Focus on the Food but get 20 Minutes of Exercise in a Day: I have run a marathon while technically being morbidly obese.  I have trained on tennis courts for eight hours a day hoping to be thin.  I have done crazy extreme exercise programs that yes, made me lose some weight, but frankly were probably very unhealthy and taxing on an obese body.  My problem is emotionally over-eating, not with being uncommitted to exercise.  20 minutes of walking a day with a seven week old baby is ambitious enough!

*** Never Get Too Hungry: If I am genuinely hungry, the kind of hunger where my stomach is turning and it is not the middle of the night, then I need to eat no matter what is on my food plan for the day.  I am a nursing Mom who is taking steps to live a healthy, thin, fit life – not to torture herself!

Well, those are some good Tuesday Tenets for now.  Until next week…

Thanks for reading this and I wish you much luck on your own healthy journey!

Hello world! My history with Weight

In The Program on March 14, 2012 at 5:53 am

My darling baby girl will be eight weeks old in four days.  The last two months have been the most intense and wonderful months of my life. The previous nine months of pregnancy were pretty tough and left me with some baggage – 99 lbs of baggage that is!  When I found out I was pregnant I weighed 145 lbs.  The day I was admitted  into the hospital I weighed 244 lbs (and I am 5’4.5″)!

This isn’t my first rodeo with weight loss. Like most American women I have battled with weight issues and body image most of my conscious life.  I was never a morbidly obese kid but I was definitely pudgy, more so at some times then others.  The real weight gain came in college and later though; the highest I got up to and hovered around was 246 lbs.

In the Fall of 2009 (at 246 lbs) I began losing weight slowly by making small changes to my lifestyle.  I lost around 40 lbs between the Fall holidays and March.  In March of 2009 I joined a weight loss program that proved unhealthy in the end but did help me lose more than 60lbs by August of that year.  My lowest weight ever as an adult was 135.4 lbs in December 2010.  By May 2011 I was about ten pounds heavier and pregnant.  That’s when I really let the eating really begin!  I am naturally a person who eats to comfort herself and let’s just say I was VERY uncomfortable during my pregnancy.

I have done most weight loss programs out there at some point in my life – Jenny Craig (twice), Weight Watchers (more times than I can count), South Beach Diet, Atkins, etc, etc.  I’ve spent so much money on these programs along with lots of exercise programs, books, DVDs, etc.  This time around I don’t have the money or desire to follow any one program.  I want to create a personal program, a lifestyle, that allows me to be a thin, fit Mom while still enjoying food and not beating myself up with my negative thoughts about myself constantly. (Do I even need to get into the way my mind can race and be so hard on myself?  If you’ve read this far, then I bet you know what I am talking about!)

I envision this blog as a way to stay accountable to myself, as a way to explore long-term weight loss and perhaps someday even a way to connect with others going through a similar process.

The Program: I intend to take the bits and pieces that have worked for me in the past from the various different programs I’ve been on before.  I intend to tweak the Program as I go along by what works and what doesn’t work as well as add in any new tidbits I discover along the way.  As a nursing mother I will have to be doing extra research because I want to make sure my baby is getting all the nutrients she needs and I have enough calories in me to take care of her adequately (during other major weight loss episodes I remember often feeling weak and tired, even ditzey; I can’t be that way with a newborn!)  Continual weight loss is the only real barometer I’d like to use for my success (not goals of x amount of lbs lost per week).

Thanks for reading this and I wish you much luck on your own healthy journey!