eastbaymomma

Posts Tagged ‘good decisions’

Tea, an Orange and Exercise

In Daily Wrap-Up, Exercise, Random Thoughts, Schmexercise on August 17, 2012 at 3:45 am

Today my Nanny died.   She had an amazing life, did so much good for so many people and was really ready to pass and leave all the physical ailments behind, but still, it is upsetting.

Tonight, after putting the baby down to bed I asked my husband if he wanted some chips.  I’ve already had more than enough food today, but my grief was causing me to want to eat (and pretend it wasn’t me doing it by offering to get some for the hubby).  Luckily he said he was full (a feeling I rarely feel).  I ate an orange, drank a glass of water and made some tea.  I was still feeling funky so I went on the rower for 20mins and then did a bunch of stretching.  Soon, I’ll head to bed.

Why am I sharing this with you?  Well, I know that today my portion sizes were too big (not 50%).  And, I know a lot of that was self-comforting.  But despite having a hard day personally and a funky day food-wise, I did not end up ending the day, splurging.  YAY!

Eat like a Kardashian to lose weight?

In Random Thoughts, The Program on August 13, 2012 at 7:49 pm

I am well into my first week of trying my hubby’s “50%” diet method.  I take the portion I normally would eat and immediately put back 50% of it.  It has been freeing!  No more guilt when I eat some dark chocolate, mac and cheese or some frozen yogurt!

And, it has got me thinking:  I always was amazed when I would see celebrities like Sarah Jessica Parker, the Real Housewives of New Jersey, the Kardashians (okay, I am clearly coming out of the closet as a trash TV watcher – yes, there you have it, I am…) and see them eating foods like pasta, ice cream, candy, etc.  I wondered, how on earth do they stay thin?

There may be a bunch of awesome genetics and personal trainers at work of course, but I wonder if they are already instituting (intuitively) the 50% rule.  They eat what they want but in small portions.  Like the French are rumored to do?

When food isn’t the enemy, the portion size is, I feel less anxious about losing weight and keeping it off long term.  And, that feels like a recipe for success.  We’ll see when I weigh-in if the “50%” method is working for me!

Hubby’s Weight Loss Plan

In The Program on August 10, 2012 at 3:01 pm

Amidst all my sadness, bewilderment and angst last night the hubby made some suggestions that I am going to adopt for the next week to see how they work for me.  The hubby has never had a weight problem.  From time to time in his life he may have had a extra pounds on him or was too thin for a time.  These times were all situational and few and far between.  For example most recently he gained maybe ten pounds during the pregnancy when I had all sorts of junk food in the house, but he lost it effortlessly after those foods were no longer around.

He has been through all sorts of weight loss roller coasters with me over the past ten years.  He has attended various diet programs with me (even though he didn’t need to lose weight).  He hasn’t said a word when I’ve spend countless dollars on weight loss web sites, on Weight Watchers, on Jenny Craig, on expensive tennis club memberships, etc.  He has endured my bad moods caused by low caloric intake or shame or frustration.  When I was 246lbs (not pregnant) he still told me I was beautiful.  Poor guy, he has had to watch the woman he loves struggle for so long and be so hard on her own life-giving body!

Last night he said that he thinks the reason he doesn’t gain much weight despite eating a lot (and boy does he, junk too!) is because overall he eats pretty healthy food every few hours.  My program thus far has been to just have three meals a day with an occasional teatime snack.  For the next week I am going to try his way.

He also suggested that I adopt a 50% policy.  That I should serve myself my usual potion of food and then immediately put back 50% of it.  Eventually when I am closer to my goal he thinks I should put back 2/3 of it.  Interesting suggestion, no?  I am going to try it this week and see how it goes!

The End of May Challenge = Program Change

In The Program on May 13, 2012 at 10:04 pm

Quick Wrap-Up for the Past Three Days:  The baby and I have been sick so I haven’t posted the past few days.  I would give myself a “C” for food.  When I feel crappy I want to eat and I don’t feel like cooking so I have indulged in non-Program food and not cooked much.  Thankfully the baby seems to be feeling better even though I am still in the midst of feeling sick.  My hubby has been sweet and helping me to get lots of sleep and stay hydrated.

***PROGRAM CHANGE*** End of May Challenge:  I am headed out of town until June.  We are visiting my mother, sister and brother-in-law.  My mother is an AMAZING cook.  Seriously.  This presents a bit of a challenge to my program.  If I am not the one doing the menu planning, grocery shopping and doing the cooking how am I going to continue to lose weight?  I am going to have to be very diligent with portion control which is going to be a huge challenge for me.   I often choose quantity over quality…

Each night I will post a recap of how I did for the day but I obviously won’t be posting my menus for the next day since I won’t know what my Mom and sis will be serving.

In a way it is a little exciting.  I can see if a program that works on portion control (more like weight watchers) works for me.  In the past it has not but I’m older and maybe wiser, so we’ll see.

I will be back home just in time for the June weigh-in…

I have always said that I am doing this blog to try and figure out a program that is sane, mostly enjoyable and works.  Being away for two weeks without much control over my meals is a curve ball, but I am almost to my half way point in my 99lb weight loss journey and I don’t want to jeopardize my 1 lb per week goal.

Wish me luck and pass on any suggestions you have!

Thursday Outside Thoughts: May 10, 2012: Relationship with food

In Thursday: Outside Thoughts on May 10, 2012 at 4:24 pm

What I have been trying to create with The Program is a happy, balanced, fun, enjoyable, sane, healthy relationship with food.  For 33 years I’ve had a power struggle with food and, as I’ve mentioned in this blog before, I KNOW that food is not the enemy and that it is meant to nourish and to enjoy.

Over the past month and a half I think I have begun to find a balance between sustenance and indulgence although of late I have been discouraged because a healthy weight loss rate – a pound a week – feels soooooooo drawn out when I still have about 50 more pounds to lose (I am down about 47lbs).

Thursdays are when I share another article or blog that I found interesting.  Check out this *awesome* blog http://100poundsin1year.wordpress.com/2012/05/10/frenemies/.  She recommends a book I am going to check out as well.  I get a little nervous when God and weight loss are tied together but it sounds like this book is a sound one.  Have you read it?  If so let me know what you think!

Sunday Inspirations: May 6, 2012

In Sunday Inspirations on May 7, 2012 at 4:22 am

One of the worst things about being overweight was flying.  Even at 246 lbs (my highest weight) I still fit in the seat and the seatbelt fit, but I always felt HUGE and frankly, it was a tight fit!  The look of the person sitting next to me, trying to hide their disappointment that I was a larger row companion, was humiliating.  Now, I am an over-sensitive person by nature, but it was truly mortifying.  What should be an exciting time – traveling via flying, one of my favorite things to do in the whole world (I work for an airline) – was seriously marred.

I am headed on a trip in the next few weeks.  I know that at 197 lbs some people will be wishing they weren’t sitting next to me because of my weight, but I do know for sure they’ll be wishing they weren’t sitting next to me because I’ll be traveling with the baby hahaha!!!

In all seriousness though, those airplane seats are a good reminder, a good inspiration to keep on The Program.

What inspires you to live a healthy lifestyle?  What inspires you on your weight loss journey?

Sunday Inspirations: April 29, 2012

In Sunday Inspirations on April 30, 2012 at 3:01 am

I have averaged four hours of sleep for the past three night due to the baby and frankly, I am not feeling too inspired.  About the only thing that can inspire me right now is that (finally) sleeping little baby.  Looking down on her right now I know that she doesn’t have issues with food.  She asks for food when she is hungry.  She stops eating when she is full.  I lost that natural on and off switch long ago but I am inspired to work towards finding it again for her – I know kids learn most not by what you say but what you do.  I don’t want her to grow up watching her Momma constantly being defeated by a battle with her weight and self-esteem.

What inspires you to live a healthy lifestyle?  What inspires you on your weight loss journey?

Sunday Inspirations: April 14, 2012

In Sunday Inspirations on April 23, 2012 at 6:58 am

This week my inspiration to keep on The Program was discovered just a few hours ago.  While the baby napped I started going through some boxes that haven’t been unpacked from our move right before the baby was born.  And I found this:

 

I also found this:

 

So the camera on my phone is not the best.  These are pictures of beautiful, intricate, well-made belly dancing outfits that I bought while visiting Petra (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Petra) in Jordan in October 2010.  My svelte size 4 body fit right into these and I was going to take belly dancing classes and wear one of them for Halloween 2011.  Halloween 2011 I was pregnant and wore an adorable bun-in-the-oven costume (I “wore” a stove I made out of a cardboard box and aluminum foil around my pregnant belly).

So, Halloween 2012… IT’S ON!!  Now that is some inspiration!  Since I am eating treats and not being 100% strict on this new lifestyle program I am creating I am not sure if I will be able to lose 60ishlbs in six months (probably not) but hopefully I can get close… stay tuned! :)

What inspires you to live a healthy lifestyle?  What inspires you on your weight loss journey?

Monday Meanderings: April 16, 2012: My Personal “Crazy”

In Monday Meanderings on April 16, 2012 at 7:34 pm

Later today I am going to meet up with a friend who, like me, has been obsessed with weight, diet and body image most of her life.  A few weeks ago we confessed to each other how embarrassed and horrified we were that although we think of ourselves as two fairly smart, modern women, we cannot shake the mental storms of constantly being obsessed about how fat we are and what to do about it.

In life, it seems to me that the best way to fight those inner, closed-circuit, self-destructive thought patterns is to get them out in the open.  Once you talk about and laugh about your personal “crazy,” the power is taken out of it.  Then, once your thinking reverts back to that negative loop, it easier to identify it, laugh it off and tell yourself, yup, this is the kind of thinking I am prone to but no, I am not going to indulge in the “crazy” right now.  We agreed to meet up every so often to pinpoint all the “crazy” and hopefully make progress on it together.

I have rarely met any woman, in any part of the world, who does not have “fat” issues.  Some may spend an inordinate amount of their mental energies and daily routines in getting and staying thin.  Some may be involved in trying NOT to be caught up in cultural norms citing thin equals smart, good, healthy, better than, etc.  They may be rejecting the obsession with thinness that most modern cultures have, but they are still thinking about it, quite a bit.  No matter what a woman’s personal relationship to fatness and thinness is, I venture to guess it occupies a lot of their time and energy.

This week my friend and I decided to fess up to how many things we have not done in our lives because we felt we were too fat.  It is a pretty painful and SUPER embarrassing fact that from teenage years on, I believed that because I was not super thin that I could not participate in something.  Like, somehow I was just not worthy of a particular life experience because I had a few extra pounds on me.  I can think of many specific examples of this warped decision-making, especially as a teenager: who I felt comfortable talking to in high school, what parties and social events I attended, who I dated, what sports I did or did not play, what clothes I wore, what beach I went to and when, etc, etc.  I made actual decisions that dictated the quality of my life back then all based on the fact that I was anywhere from fifteen to thirty pounds overweight and I equated that with not being worth much. So sad.

Later in life, in my twenties and early thirties, I think the decision-making based on my size was less of a black and white “I won’t go here because I’m too fat thing” (although getting dressed to go out at night was always agonizing).  Unfortunately, the self-hate around not being thin became more of a subtle over-arching philosophy that I was always going to be “less than” everyone else.  Deep down I believed I was never going to be able to have everything I truly wanted in life because if I were fat and couldn’t figure out how to be thin, then I didn’t deserve happiness.  I became one of those “hide under the heap of everyone else” people which certainly is not the personality I had as a child before I was conscious of being larger than my peers.  The more hopeless I became, the more weight I gained.

Let me point out that this negative paradigm I was subscribing to wasn’t necessarily conscious.  It has taken the last few years filled with soul-searching (or reflection, or deep thought – whatever you want to call it) for me to be able to articulate all this, even to myself.

When I lost 100lbs about two years ago people began to treat me very differently, much more positively and like I was this awesome person because I had done the impossible.   Things like jobs fell into place where they hadn’t before.  I was now at a weight deemed healthy by the medical field and my self-esteem and outlook on my life did improve some.  But, initially, I still couldn’t shake that black pit feeling inside.  I had gained a healthier body but not the inner strength and self-confidence that is determined not by a lower number on a scale but by an inner knowing that I am worthy, that everyone has the right to pursue happiness, that my good deeds and intentions in the world are what make me valuable.

Over the last two years that inner self-confidence has grown from activities not at all related to weight loss – from deep analysis of my past, from working hard on my relationships, from spiritual practices and from experiencing what somehow I never believed I could experience: having my daughter.  Who knows why being fat made me think I was unworthy or somehow unable to take part in basic life cycle experiences like having a happy partnership and a child, but I know for me, embarrassingly so, it did.  Now, I feel called to explore and challenge these issues so that I can live the last two thirds (hopefully) of my life free of the self-hate and though it sounds cliche, it is extremely important to me to NOT PASS THESE ISSUES ON TO MY DAUGHTER.

I hope that by continuing to create The Program and as I lose the pregnancy weight I will be able to find that healthy relationship with food and with my own self that I have been working for these past few years.  I am glad to have this blog and my friend to help me do this!

What is your crazy thinking around fatness, thinness and weight loss?  I’d love to hear about it!

Sunday Inspirations: April 14, 2012

In Sunday Inspirations on April 15, 2012 at 5:16 am

This week my inspiration to keep on The Program has mostly been based on saving face.  Continuing to write this blog, even through apparent defeats like the recent weight gains, has required some will power.  Blogging has given me the accountability I need.  It is easier to make a better food choices if I know there are at least a few other folks out there reading about my food choices.

I also have started telling people in my offline life that I am dieting and creating my own Program.  In fact, I’ve shared this blog with two people I know (other than the hubby) this week.  That is huge!

Normally I would be too embarrassed to share with friends that I am trying to lose weight.  But if I step up and proclaim what is really going on with me with friends, at the very worst I will feel embarrassed and at the very best it could lead to deeper friendships and support.

Frankly I wish I had something more inspiring to write on this edition of Sunday Inspirations, but, if the only thing that keeps me focused is the accountability of blogging and my friends and it means I’m not straying from The Program, hey, I’ll take it.

What inspires you to live a healthy lifestyle?  What inspires you on your weight loss journey?

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